Smile before bedtime :)

[TheKomodo]

My Dad posts these jokes on Facebook everynight so I decided i'll post them here as well whenever they pop up since some of them are pretty good, some of them contain rude/sexual language so if that easily offends you then simply don't read them!

Smile before bedtime..............................
YOU CAN'T STOP THE VOODOO
A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence. After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo D**k."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman. The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo D**k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo D**k that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigour that the door split in half. "Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!" He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo D**k and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo D**k my p***y." The Voodoo D**k flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo D**k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D**k, my ass."

[TheKomodo]

Forgot to post before bed haha

Smile before bedtime....................................

THE NEVER ENDING JOINT

As pothead walks down the road, a genie appears in front of him. "I'll grant you two wishes," says the genie.
The pothead replies, "I want a never ending joint."
The genie says, "As you wish," and gives him the joint.
The pothead takes a long drag and says, "Awesome! I want another one!"

[TheKomodo]

Smile before bedtime..........................

THE ENGLISH WIFE

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the Scottish wife had an idea.
"I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don't have enough money even for knickers!"
Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the Scottish wife's husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife's husband noticed, he gave her his credit card. The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the Scottish wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the English wife was still in rags. The other two demanded to know what had happened.
"Well," said the English wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn't wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!"

[TheKomodo]

Been so busy working on a project for last few days I totally forgot about this haha, so 3 days worth coming up!


Smile before bedtime.............................................

REJECTED

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either.”




Smile before bedtime(more intellectual standard)...............................

TEACHER ARRESTED

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."




Smile before bedtime(a picture this time!)...............................

The love machine!

[TheKomodo]

Smile before bedtime.............................................

THREE PHASES

“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

[TheKomodo]

Smile before bedtime.............................................

LITTLE JOHNNY - ICE CREAM

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”

[TheKomodo]

Since I stayed up extra late tonight after not being able to sleep getting up and playing poker for like 3 hours or something, here's an extra one!

Smile before bedtime.............................................

BULLETS

A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the f**k had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

[TheKomodo]

Smile before bedtime(one you can share with all the family).............................................................

SHARING AN ORDER

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fries, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered.
The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.
The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing.
He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.
She said, "Well, it's his turn to use the teeth."

[TheKomodo]

Here are the last days I missed


Smile before bedtime......................................

THE CANNIBALS EAT OUT

Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse. One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet." They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?" The other replies, "I'm having a ball!" Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you're eating too fast!"








Smile before bedtime............................................

OSCAR PISTORIUS - IT HAD TO HAPPEN

Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine's Day he had to take her out.

If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had with only 2 blades.

His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up on Oscar Pistorius."

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder … footprints !

She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!









Smile before bedtime............................................

SHOT TO THE HEART

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[TheKomodo]

Something to bring a smile on a dreich afternoon

An obese woman came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've have not eaten for two days.” She said to him, “I wish I had your willpower"

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a bus or train and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"

A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

I had this trivia competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

[TheKomodo]

Smile before bedtime.........................................

YOU WANT TO BUY A TIE?

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked "Do you have water?" The soldier replied "There is no water, the well is dry, would you like to buy a tie instead? - They are only £5."The Taliban shouted "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over- priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess - it has all the ice cold water you need, Inshallah."Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "The b*****ds won't let me in without a f***ing tie"!

[TheKomodo]

Been busy last few days so here is a bunch for ya


Smile before bedtime..............................

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"





Smile before bedtime..............................

ERROR

A husband and wife are trying to setup a new password for their computer. The husband puts "mypenis" and the wife starts laughing because the computer says "ERROR: NOT LONG ENOUGH"





Smile before bedtime..............................

CONDOM

When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.





Smile before bedtime..............................

PYJAMA DAY

Son: Mum I got suspended today...
Mum: Why?!!
Son: It was pyjama day at school today...
Mum: So?!?!
Son: I sleep naked...






Smile before bedtime..............................

PASSWORD

Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst."
Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

[TheKomodo]

Smile before bedtime.............................................

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

[TheKomodo]

A picture I found I felt was rather amusing and worth sharing

[TheKomodo]

Smile before bedtime.......................................

SAMARITANS

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, England, has
been sacked , much to the dismay of her colleagues who are
reportedly unhappy with her dismissal .
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone
stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line.
I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."
"Remain calm and stay on the line ," was not considered to be an appropriate response...