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Author Topic: Smile before bedtime :)  (Read 4071 times)

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Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2014, 07:40 AM »
Smile before bedtime.......................................

Meant to post this last night but fell asleep watching Archer lol


Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #16 on: November 10, 2014, 01:49 AM »
Smile before bedtime...................................

THE ARMY HOSPITAL

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #17 on: November 13, 2014, 10:35 PM »
Here enough for the last few days :D




Smile before bedtime...................................

THE FOREST BEAR

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].” The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”






Smile before bedtime...................................

DADDY'S TUMMY

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”






Smile before bedtime...................................

BLIND MAN

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #18 on: November 18, 2014, 04:46 AM »
Smile before bedtime..............................

CHUCKY AT THE MOVIES

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theatre." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred. "What", said Marge. "I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred. "What makes you think that", asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"


Smile before bedtime...................................

THERE WAS A FARMER WHO GREW WATERMELONS.

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"





Smile before bedtime...................................

LITTLE JOHNNY - RUBBING

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!





Smile before bedtime...................................

MY LIFE SUCKS

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.










Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #19 on: November 19, 2014, 06:22 AM »
Smile before bedtime........................................

IT'S CLEAN & FUNNY.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to
go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some
condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy every-thing there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack,10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh,
I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #20 on: November 21, 2014, 01:13 AM »
Smile before bedtime..............................................

CHILLIN' BIDDIES

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a naked man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second lady also had a stroke, but unfortunately the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #21 on: December 20, 2014, 10:04 AM »
Haven't done this for a while been busy but this is a good one haha:

Smile before bedtime..............................................

HARRODS

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’
He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #22 on: April 16, 2015, 05:32 PM »
Just a giggle or two...................................................................

Puns for Educated Minds:-

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #23 on: October 03, 2015, 08:57 AM »
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2015, 12:06 AM »

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #25 on: October 11, 2015, 04:55 PM »
A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #26 on: October 11, 2015, 08:00 PM »

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #27 on: October 17, 2015, 04:26 AM »
Guy goes around pimpin peoples rides with cardboard at night :D


Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #28 on: October 22, 2015, 06:24 PM »

Offline TheKaren

Re: Smile before bedtime :)
« Reply #29 on: November 09, 2015, 07:33 PM »