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Author Topic: Mental illnesses (my story)  (Read 751 times)

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Mental illnesses (my story)
« on: October 07, 2017, 07:18 AM »

Some of you may know/remember me. I started playing worms online 2001 and I've had my active and inactive times like everyone I guess. Anyway, I want to tell you something about myself that I haven't told anyone in this community. At least I don't remember doing so.

So, today is the day I had decided to commit a suicide. Yet here I am typing this and I'm happy just to be alive. How did it come to this? Let me tell you.

I have been really introverted and shy all my life (even compared to most Finnish people). That has made things quite hard for me but it didn't stop me doing things. I went to school, had hobbies and some friends. Later I went to army, started studying mechanical engineering and working. Pretty much normal life.

At some point around 2010 things started to go wrong. It started with something what I soon realized to be panic attacks. I was a little worried but thought it's nothing too serious as it didn't happen very often. During the same year I moved to Germany for exchange studies. It was quite hard time for me as I couldn't sleep properly anymore and started to feel depressed. I got a little more worried but still thought I could handle it.

Next year I moved back to Finland and it was a relief to be back in my home country. That feeling of relief didn't last long. My sleeping problems became more serious and the depression got deeper. I had a job at the time for a few months and somehow managed to do it. After my contract ended and I had one more year left of studies, I felt so bad I knew I couldn't handle it anymore. I told my parents about my situation and my dad took me to a doctor after a really bad panic attack.

The doctor didn't show much interest but prescribed benzodiazepines for anxiety. They helped me a little. At least I wasn't so anxious and terrified anymore. But the depression and other stuff didn't go away so I tried to seek more help. That's when I was diagnosed with psychotic depression and was prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotic medicine. I was a little hesitant but at the same time so desperate I decided to start taking them. After a while I started to feel better. Little did I know the worst was yet to come.

Although I could function somehow again and didn't feel so unreal anymore, the depression and some irrational fears didn't completely go away. I had no ability to concentrate on anything anymore. I couldn't study or work. Even if I had some better periods I didn't get many things done. Slowly I started to feel a little better but I didn't have any motivation to do anything. I felt almost nothing most of the time. I was wondering why I didn't get anything done even though I didn't feel so depressed anymore and the psychotic symptoms were gone.

Slowly I started to think maybe it's because of the drugs. I said to my doctor that I wanted to stop taking medication. He didn't recommend doing that yet and so I kept taking them for a while. Then I got completely fed up and decided to try to stop. I had no idea how it was supposed to be done so I lowered the doses way too quickly. That resulted in a condition that in my opinion was worse than before starting taking these pills. I ended up in a mental hospital and was basically forced to start the medication again.

I didn't realize at the time that those were withdrawal symptoms. I thought my original illness came back because I stopped taking those pills. So time went by and I thought, well it could be worse. At least I can do some everyday routines.

After a while I asked again about stopping the medication and this time the doctor gave me instructions how to do it. I lowered the doses the way he told me to. For a while everything was pretty good. I started to get my feelings back but then things got worse again. Major depression again. I had no idea what to do but start taking antidepressants again.

So I was on drugs again and started to feel a little better eventually. But then something happened once again. I started feeling nauseos and I threw up everyday. I guess that was the way of my body telling that this is enough. After a while I felt that the side effects were inbearable. So even though I had really bad experiences from trying to stop taking those drugs I decided to try again. That was a few weeks ago. These last few weeks have been the hardest time of my life. After six years of medication the withdrawal symptoms are really bad. At least for me. My thinking got so distorted that I saw no other choice but to kill myself. I've had suicidal thoughts since 2011 but now they were really intrusive. For some reason I had decided to do it on this saturday. Everything was planned. I'm not entirely sure what happened but I found this site I noticed some people had even longer periods of medication and worse withdrawal symptoms. Still they survived. Maybe that gave me some hope.

Why am I telling all this? I'm quite sure I am not alone with these experiences in this community. Maybe someone is really struggling right now and I could give some hope by sharing this. I am by no means recovered yet but I have hope again and I know I can do this.

I wish I could write better but my ability to concentrate isn't that good at the moment and I'm exhausted already after typing this. Maybe I'll add some details later and things that have helped me. Although writing this somehow feels good, at the same time I'm terrified what you people think about me after this. But I have lived most of my life fearing what others think and it's time for me to get rid of that kind of thinking.

It's already quite a long post but if you read all of that, cool. Even cooler if this in anyway helps someone. Remember, your life matters and there is always hope!

Online XanKriegor

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2017, 07:34 AM »
Sharing with others helps indeed. I have mo motivation to do stuff too, i quit my job to take proper rest hoping it will help.
[Shadow-The-Worm] You aren't as bad as TheCrazedGuy.

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2017, 07:57 AM »
Man, really sorry you've had to experience depression/withdrawal on that level Voltage. You will get through this!

I'd never think worse of someone who's experienced these things, on the contrary it takes guts to relate something that personal and to try and get through it. And I'm glad suicidal thoughts are out of your head. Your life definitely matters.

Offline TheMadCharles

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2017, 08:25 AM »
It explains why you were so inactive now. Honestly, I also have depression, so good thing I'm not the only one suffering here... do you remember what is the origin of all of this?

Offline DarkOne

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2017, 08:59 AM »
Depression is a terrible thing to go through, partly cause people around you don't understand how fucked up it is :( Your mind can play such tricks that even the biggest compliments can be experienced as insults.

Sometimes, people need a switch to different antidepressants, even from the same group, and they feel better.
It's tricky stuff, though. It can take up to 4 weeks to get the result you need and there's the issue that people with depression can have suicidal thoughts, but are too paralyzed by their depression to do anything. But the motivation to do anything gets better before the suicidal thoughts go away :s

Offline Xrayez

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2017, 09:34 AM »
voltage, I'd like to introduce you to the tool I've used for the past year to help with my emotions. Google EFT, or FasterEFT, it will help if you use it, I guarantee it. Take small steps, though, don't rush things, take off your medication slowly aswell.

I respect you for you courage by writing your story. Inspired by you, I decided to tell you my story aswell. Don't you mind?

I wouldn't write this under any circumstance, but why not? 95% of people are "mentally ill" to some degree, period. They just don't talk about it. All the Facebook pages with seamlessly happy life are all too often just a facade that people build for themselves. It's time to get back freedom we all had.

I can relate to the shyness part, namely the dreaded social anxiety. As I recall, till the age of 7 I was a relatively normal kid. I don't know exactly what happened to me, but slowly I started to develop the toxic feelings of shame that lead to anxiety eventually. I can't leave my house voluntarily. Yes, I go to university by myself, go to the doctors and some other things, but most social actions require going through anxiety, especially if something is unfamiliar and new. I can't even go to the grocery store for God's sake.

My porn addiction has numbed my emotions, both good and bad. Starting at age 13, I started viewing erotic materials over the Internet. I think that's one of the contributing reasons for why I haven't overcome social anxiety, and I missed on many social things. It messed up my dopamine receptors, hence the depression.

Well, nothing really to talk about because I don't really have much to talk about. Or perhaps I forgot all wonderful things that happened to me in the past because the good stuff is tightly linked to bad stuff. I don't want to feel bad. Is subconscious mind trying to protect me? Who knows.

But as you can see, I have come to the point where I can almost freely chat online. This community helped me a lot, even though people don't realize that, thanks guys.

Breaking free from porn addiction wasn't easy, I tell you. I still have cravings and slip ups, but that's nothing compared to 8+ years of constant release and bonding with the screen. I literally starting to experience feelings of connection with other people for the first time in my life. If you have this problem, consider this too. At least try to replace it with something else. It can take you up to a year to fully recover depending on your level of addiction, if you have one.

We do something correctly internally to overselves to feel bad. How do we do it? If you know the answer, it's easier to let go of it.

Peace dude.

Offline Godmax

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2017, 10:24 AM »
Isnt this the same topic from last time? The exact same outcome. Worms brings us all together. All the cultures and even the analseekers. May god be with you voltage Worms will bring you back to life and health it always does.

Offline TheKomodo

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2017, 01:29 PM »
Very touching stories, I feel both of you...

I'll write my story when I have a few hours free and feel like writing, it's really mentally challenging going through it all again and right now i'm so drained I just want to chill, no music, no games, just sit and relax...

"i have found STRainedGRoiN's flags and graves to be useful even for making music. now i can't even imagine creating a song without using content from this pack. 11/10"

Offline HHC

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2017, 01:52 PM »
hey volt, loved playing ya back in the days, hope you come back to worms mate  8)

sad to see you go through all this shite


Offline nino

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2017, 11:21 PM »
ae Voltage, nice to know everything is much better now ae!!!

Offline TheKomodo

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #10 on: October 08, 2017, 12:05 AM »
The only reason I can still be bothered to be alive thanks to the love and support i've had from my Mum, and a few friends in my life, if I didn't believe suicide was the cowards way out, if I didn't think it was selfish, i'd already have killed myself, you can walk into a childrens cancer ward, even they know they are terminal, and they still run around laughing! They still hang on and fight till the end!

They haven't even lived a life, they will never felt the warmth and love of a partners body entwined with yours, they will never know what it feels like to chase a career, to have their own children...

That's just one example, so I just can't sit there and give up...

Can't remember if it was during the same time or 1-2 years later, but one day when I was out collecting chestnuts from what we called the chestnut farm, usually I go with friends but I was there alone that day, and an older boy about 17 or 18 on a paper round took me and raped me, the fucking sick thing is he gave me £5 "not to tell anyone", and I didn't until I was about 18 or something when I finally told my parents, I could have him killed, but it wouldn't change what happened or even help me, naturally my parents blessed my life with amazing holidays and family parties, and my Dad got me hooked on being competitive and playing games and learning about nature etc...

I realized after what happened at the chestnut farm, people are natural liars, they do anything to get what they want, and they will use and abuse people in order to do that, for years I quietly followed, spied, and watched people from a distance, why do people do the things they do?

This is why I never EVER give up ANY fucking arguement or fight unless there is 100% undeniable and unequivocal evidence, I do not take ANYONES word unless i've known them and trusted them for years. I don't care if it makes someone upset, that's their problem, if you want to convince me, you have to do it properly.

That added to my anger I probably get from my father, it's led to some very dire situations in life for me, i've been held up at knifepoint, i've saw people murdered in front of my own eyes, i've seen some of the most horrible things a person has to see...

But, i've also seen people sacrifice everything they have, to protect the ones they love, I constantly see loving caring gestures between people, today I saw a guy climb a wall to pick a few leafs from a tree for a girl, and the smile on her face, was beautiful...

I constantly swing from happy to sad, my emotions feel like they are more intense than most peoples, I can get very angry very fast, and also very happy very fast, and I make a huge deal out of things other people don't care, cuz I know true pain and true happiness together...

WA and Music literally saved my life... I've opened up to some people on this game who know things about me nobody else knows, things about my father and some people he knows, things about past relationships, i've never ever been part of a gaming community with people as human as this one, a lot of people can piss me off here, but the fucking truth is, when one of us is hurting, really hurting, you are always there to help, i'll never ever be thankful enough *as a tear rolls down my cheek...*

So when I woke up 2-3 months ago, and the person I loved more than anyone i've ever met, who I shared all this with and more, was gone, no goodbye, no letter, it crushed me...

I am sorry, when I appear to be angry at you guys, i'm usually not, I just can't ever be fooled again...

« Last Edit: October 08, 2017, 08:40 PM by TheKomodo »

"i have found STRainedGRoiN's flags and graves to be useful even for making music. now i can't even imagine creating a song without using content from this pack. 11/10"

Offline Xrayez

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #11 on: October 08, 2017, 09:34 AM »
If you need help, I know how to change memories. Well, the link I provided above is basically all you need to know.

You don't need to hold on to old stuff and believe everything inside your head. I can understand what you're going through, but please, choose to feel those happy thoughts and memories instead, while flipping the bad stuff into good stuff. The problem may arise from the fear of "who will I be if I change this memory" type of resistance. I can already hear from you (even subconsciously):
  • "If I change this memory to something positive, then I fear that people will lie to me and deceive me again"
  • "Yeah but I lived with that all my life and I don't think I can change it no matter what"
Sympathizing is all good and soothing, but does it really change the problem? I don't think so. Lets take control and stop hiding and running from our emotions. Addiction that is all around is an attempt to deal with it all, because we don't know the better way.

While I don't always do what I preach, but that sounds logical at least, isn't it?

Or we can talk about bad stuff to create more bad stuff  :-X

It is necessary to talk about bad stuff, but it's also important to being able to let go the bad stuff afterwards.

Offline TheKomodo

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #12 on: October 08, 2017, 10:24 AM »
Xrayez, the memories don't bother me... In fact those events helped me to become the intelligent, strong, competitive person I am today...

But the downside to the intelligence is knowing how humans act, that bothers me, it's constantly being betrayed in life cuz people are selfish and greedy, it's being able to predict bad situations unfolding accurately and not being able to do anything about it, being blindsided by love and NOT seeing it coming...

Today, right now, I just got back from LIDL, doing my shopping, as I walked from the checkout I saw 2 little boys like 7 years old or something, 1 of them was hiding, he jumped out on his father and the 2 kids, myself, and few others were laughing, the father got so angry and started yelling at his child calling him silly etc, imo that father doesn't even deserve those children, f**king taking away their innocence, creativity and humour...

I really felt like grabbing him by the throat and shouting so loud he'd literally piss himself... But ofc I didn't...

I don't really wanna die cuz I hate myself, it's cuz I hate the f**king world I live in...

"i have found STRainedGRoiN's flags and graves to be useful even for making music. now i can't even imagine creating a song without using content from this pack. 11/10"

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2017, 10:48 AM »
Thank you for supportive comments! Today is the first day I don't completely feel like shit. Maybe I will be able to visit a friend of mine today :) Hopefully it just keeps getting better from now on.

I am not completely against psychiatric medication but I want to warn people that those drugs are not harmless. Now that I'm starting to get my emotions back again, I feel anger because the doctors didn't inform me of that. Furthermore, the doctors don't seem to know shit about how to get safely off those drugs. "That's such a small dose. You won't get any withdrawal symptoms if you stop now". That's what I was told and it almost cost my life. I wish I knew earlier. Despite the name of the site, it's not only about antidepressants but benzos and antipsychotics also.

As I said, I'm not completely againt meds. If you're on medication and it helps, good for you. For me the cons outweighed the pros. It also seems that most people taking these drugs don't really get better after all, me being one of them. For example my sister had depression and eating disorder but she got better without medication and she's been fine for many years now being able to study, work and live life. I'm also worried about the long-term effects of the drugs on the brain. I can only hope that I haven't got any serious permanent changes on my brain.

If you don't believe me and are interested in the subject, do some research and make your own conclusions about psychiatric drugs. Another thing that makes me angry is that alcoholics and users of illegal drugs get support (not that they shouldn't) but people dependent on prescription drugs are left to fight on their own. At least I was.

There are so many other things I would like to say but I need to save my energy. Thinking what and how I should write really makes me tired. But I'll probably get back to this topic later again.

Isnt this the same topic from last time? The exact same outcome. Worms brings us all together. All the cultures and even the analseekers. May god be with you voltage Worms will bring you back to life and health it always does.
Huh? I haven't started a topic like this before. Maybe someone else has but I haven't taken part in that.

Offline TheKomodo

Re: Mental illnesses (my story)
« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2017, 11:43 AM »
I totally understand the anxiety, especially when you can't go to the shop, I never answer my door unless I know it's someone I know, ignore my phone if it's not a number I have saved or an expected call.

I never had problems with being sick or anything though thankfully.

My biggest physical problem I guess would be mild insomnia from time to time, I stay away for days at a time cuz my brain just doesn't shut off, i'm either really excited about stuff or really anxious paranoid and upset, as I get older this seems to be getting better as I get tired faster now, i've been on sleep medication before, it helped the 1st few times but then I guess my body got used to it fast, not sure if that has anything to do with my history with cannabis.

I am extremely empathic and get too bothered by others peoples actions, why do I even care? I don't know... If I see anyone in pain I feel bad for them and sometimes sense the pain myself, seeing people happy automatically makes me smile, seeing people angry makes me incredibly angry, you probably notice this over years when people argue with me, I always start off nice and calm, then eventually someone swears or insults me, then I lose control...

"i have found STRainedGRoiN's flags and graves to be useful even for making music. now i can't even imagine creating a song without using content from this pack. 11/10"