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Mental illnesses (my story)

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Some of you may know/remember me. I started playing worms online 2001 and I've had my active and inactive times like everyone I guess. Anyway, I want to tell you something about myself that I haven't told anyone in this community. At least I don't remember doing so.

So, today is the day I had decided to commit a suicide. Yet here I am typing this and I'm happy just to be alive. How did it come to this? Let me tell you.

I have been really introverted and shy all my life (even compared to most Finnish people). That has made things quite hard for me but it didn't stop me doing things. I went to school, had hobbies and some friends. Later I went to army, started studying mechanical engineering and working. Pretty much normal life.

At some point around 2010 things started to go wrong. It started with something what I soon realized to be panic attacks. I was a little worried but thought it's nothing too serious as it didn't happen very often. During the same year I moved to Germany for exchange studies. It was quite hard time for me as I couldn't sleep properly anymore and started to feel depressed. I got a little more worried but still thought I could handle it.

Next year I moved back to Finland and it was a relief to be back in my home country. That feeling of relief didn't last long. My sleeping problems became more serious and the depression got deeper. I had a job at the time for a few months and somehow managed to do it. After my contract ended and I had one more year left of studies, I felt so bad I knew I couldn't handle it anymore. I told my parents about my situation and my dad took me to a doctor after a really bad panic attack.

The doctor didn't show much interest but prescribed benzodiazepines for anxiety. They helped me a little. At least I wasn't so anxious and terrified anymore. But the depression and other stuff didn't go away so I tried to seek more help. That's when I was diagnosed with psychotic depression and was prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotic medicine. I was a little hesitant but at the same time so desperate I decided to start taking them. After a while I started to feel better. Little did I know the worst was yet to come.

Although I could function somehow again and didn't feel so unreal anymore, the depression and some irrational fears didn't completely go away. I had no ability to concentrate on anything anymore. I couldn't study or work. Even if I had some better periods I didn't get many things done. Slowly I started to feel a little better but I didn't have any motivation to do anything. I felt almost nothing most of the time. I was wondering why I didn't get anything done even though I didn't feel so depressed anymore and the psychotic symptoms were gone.

Slowly I started to think maybe it's because of the drugs. I said to my doctor that I wanted to stop taking medication. He didn't recommend doing that yet and so I kept taking them for a while. Then I got completely fed up and decided to try to stop. I had no idea how it was supposed to be done so I lowered the doses way too quickly. That resulted in a condition that in my opinion was worse than before starting taking these pills. I ended up in a mental hospital and was basically forced to start the medication again.

I didn't realize at the time that those were withdrawal symptoms. I thought my original illness came back because I stopped taking those pills. So time went by and I thought, well it could be worse. At least I can do some everyday routines.

After a while I asked again about stopping the medication and this time the doctor gave me instructions how to do it. I lowered the doses the way he told me to. For a while everything was pretty good. I started to get my feelings back but then things got worse again. Major depression again. I had no idea what to do but start taking antidepressants again.

So I was on drugs again and started to feel a little better eventually. But then something happened once again. I started feeling nauseos and I threw up everyday. I guess that was the way of my body telling that this is enough. After a while I felt that the side effects were inbearable. So even though I had really bad experiences from trying to stop taking those drugs I decided to try again. That was a few weeks ago. These last few weeks have been the hardest time of my life. After six years of medication the withdrawal symptoms are really bad. At least for me. My thinking got so distorted that I saw no other choice but to kill myself. I've had suicidal thoughts since 2011 but now they were really intrusive. For some reason I had decided to do it on this saturday. Everything was planned. I'm not entirely sure what happened but I found this site I noticed some people had even longer periods of medication and worse withdrawal symptoms. Still they survived. Maybe that gave me some hope.

Why am I telling all this? I'm quite sure I am not alone with these experiences in this community. Maybe someone is really struggling right now and I could give some hope by sharing this. I am by no means recovered yet but I have hope again and I know I can do this.

I wish I could write better but my ability to concentrate isn't that good at the moment and I'm exhausted already after typing this. Maybe I'll add some details later and things that have helped me. Although writing this somehow feels good, at the same time I'm terrified what you people think about me after this. But I have lived most of my life fearing what others think and it's time for me to get rid of that kind of thinking.

It's already quite a long post but if you read all of that, cool. Even cooler if this in anyway helps someone. Remember, your life matters and there is always hope!

Sharing with others helps indeed. I have mo motivation to do stuff too, i quit my job to take proper rest hoping it will help.

Man, really sorry you've had to experience depression/withdrawal on that level Voltage. You will get through this!

I'd never think worse of someone who's experienced these things, on the contrary it takes guts to relate something that personal and to try and get through it. And I'm glad suicidal thoughts are out of your head. Your life definitely matters.

It explains why you were so inactive now. Honestly, I also have depression, so good thing I'm not the only one suffering here... do you remember what is the origin of all of this?

Depression is a terrible thing to go through, partly cause people around you don't understand how fucked up it is :( Your mind can play such tricks that even the biggest compliments can be experienced as insults.

Sometimes, people need a switch to different antidepressants, even from the same group, and they feel better.
It's tricky stuff, though. It can take up to 4 weeks to get the result you need and there's the issue that people with depression can have suicidal thoughts, but are too paralyzed by their depression to do anything. But the motivation to do anything gets better before the suicidal thoughts go away :s


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