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Mental illnesses (my story)

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TheKomodo:
The only reason I can still be bothered to be alive thanks to the love and support i've had from my Mum, and a few friends in my life, if I didn't believe suicide was the cowards way out, if I didn't think it was selfish, i'd already have killed myself, you can walk into a childrens cancer ward, even they know they are terminal, and they still run around laughing! They still hang on and fight till the end!

They haven't even lived a life, they will never felt the warmth and love of a partners body entwined with yours, they will never know what it feels like to chase a career, to have their own children...

That's just one example, so I just can't sit there and give up...

Can't remember if it was during the same time or 1-2 years later, but one day when I was out collecting chestnuts from what we called the chestnut farm, usually I go with friends but I was there alone that day, and an older boy about 17 or 18 on a paper round took me and raped me, the f@#!ing sick thing is he gave me £5 "not to tell anyone", and I didn't until I was about 18 or something when I finally told my parents, I could have him killed, but it wouldn't change what happened or even help me, naturally my parents blessed my life with amazing holidays and family parties, and my Dad got me hooked on being competitive and playing games and learning about nature etc...

I realized after what happened at the chestnut farm, people are natural liars, they do anything to get what they want, and they will use and abuse people in order to do that, for years I quietly followed, spied, and watched people from a distance, why do people do the things they do?

This is why I never EVER give up ANY f@#!ing arguement or fight unless there is 100% undeniable and unequivocal evidence, I do not take ANYONES word unless i've known them and trusted them for years. I don't care if it makes someone upset, that's their problem, if you want to convince me, you have to do it properly.

That added to my anger I probably get from my father, it's led to some very dire situations in life for me, i've been held up at knifepoint, i've saw people murdered in front of my own eyes, i've seen some of the most horrible things a person has to see...

But, i've also seen people sacrifice everything they have, to protect the ones they love, I constantly see loving caring gestures between people, today I saw a guy climb a wall to pick a few leafs from a tree for a girl, and the smile on her face, was beautiful...

I constantly swing from happy to sad, my emotions feel like they are more intense than most peoples, I can get very angry very fast, and also very happy very fast, and I make a huge deal out of things other people don't care, cuz I know true pain and true happiness together...

WA and Music literally saved my life... I've opened up to some people on this game who know things about me nobody else knows, things about my father and some people he knows, things about past relationships, i've never ever been part of a gaming community with people as human as this one, a lot of people can piss me off here, but the f@#!ing truth is, when one of us is hurting, really hurting, you are always there to help, i'll never ever be thankful enough *as a tear rolls down my cheek...*

So when I woke up 2-3 months ago, and the person I loved more than anyone i've ever met, who I shared all this with and more, was gone, no goodbye, no letter, it crushed me...


I am sorry, when I appear to be angry at you guys, i'm usually not, I just can't ever be fooled again...

Xrayez:
If you need help, I know how to change memories. Well, the link I provided above is basically all you need to know.

You don't need to hold on to old stuff and believe everything inside your head. I can understand what you're going through, but please, choose to feel those happy thoughts and memories instead, while flipping the bad stuff into good stuff. The problem may arise from the fear of "who will I be if I change this memory" type of resistance. I can already hear from you (even subconsciously):

* "If I change this memory to something positive, then I fear that people will lie to me and deceive me again"
* "Yeah but I lived with that all my life and I don't think I can change it no matter what"Sympathizing is all good and soothing, but does it really change the problem? I don't think so. Lets take control and stop hiding and running from our emotions. Addiction that is all around is an attempt to deal with it all, because we don't know the better way.

While I don't always do what I preach, but that sounds logical at least, isn't it?

Or we can talk about bad stuff to create more bad stuff  :-X

It is necessary to talk about bad stuff, but it's also important to being able to let go the bad stuff afterwards.

TheKomodo:
Xrayez, the memories don't bother me... In fact those events helped me to become the intelligent, strong, competitive person I am today...

But the downside to the intelligence is knowing how humans act, that bothers me, it's constantly being betrayed in life cuz people are selfish and greedy, it's being able to predict bad situations unfolding accurately and not being able to do anything about it, being blindsided by love and NOT seeing it coming...

Today, right now, I just got back from LIDL, doing my shopping, as I walked from the checkout I saw 2 little boys like 7 years old or something, 1 of them was hiding, he jumped out on his father and the 2 kids, myself, and few others were laughing, the father got so angry and started yelling at his child calling him silly etc, imo that father doesn't even deserve those children, f**king taking away their innocence, creativity and humour...

I really felt like grabbing him by the throat and shouting so loud he'd literally piss himself... But ofc I didn't...

I don't really wanna die cuz I hate myself, it's cuz I hate the f**king world I live in...

voltage:
Thank you for supportive comments! Today is the first day I don't completely feel like shit. Maybe I will be able to visit a friend of mine today :) Hopefully it just keeps getting better from now on.

I am not completely against psychiatric medication but I want to warn people that those drugs are not harmless. Now that I'm starting to get my emotions back again, I feel anger because the doctors didn't inform me of that. Furthermore, the doctors don't seem to know shit about how to get safely off those drugs. "That's such a small dose. You won't get any withdrawal symptoms if you stop now". That's what I was told and it almost cost my life. I wish I knew survivingantidepressants.org earlier. Despite the name of the site, it's not only about antidepressants but benzos and antipsychotics also.

As I said, I'm not completely againt meds. If you're on medication and it helps, good for you. For me the cons outweighed the pros. It also seems that most people taking these drugs don't really get better after all, me being one of them. For example my sister had depression and eating disorder but she got better without medication and she's been fine for many years now being able to study, work and live life. I'm also worried about the long-term effects of the drugs on the brain. I can only hope that I haven't got any serious permanent changes on my brain.

If you don't believe me and are interested in the subject, do some research and make your own conclusions about psychiatric drugs. Another thing that makes me angry is that alcoholics and users of illegal drugs get support (not that they shouldn't) but people dependent on prescription drugs are left to fight on their own. At least I was.

There are so many other things I would like to say but I need to save my energy. Thinking what and how I should write really makes me tired. But I'll probably get back to this topic later again.


--- Quote from: Godmax on October 07, 2017, 10:24 AM ---Isnt this the same topic from last time? The exact same outcome. Worms brings us all together. All the cultures and even the analseekers. May god be with you voltage Worms will bring you back to life and health it always does.

--- End quote ---
Huh? I haven't started a topic like this before. Maybe someone else has but I haven't taken part in that.

TheKomodo:
I totally understand the anxiety, especially when you can't go to the shop, I never answer my door unless I know it's someone I know, ignore my phone if it's not a number I have saved or an expected call.

I never had problems with being sick or anything though thankfully.

My biggest physical problem I guess would be mild insomnia from time to time, I stay away for days at a time cuz my brain just doesn't shut off, i'm either really excited about stuff or really anxious paranoid and upset, as I get older this seems to be getting better as I get tired faster now, i've been on sleep medication before, it helped the 1st few times but then I guess my body got used to it fast, not sure if that has anything to do with my history with cannabis.

I am extremely empathic and get too bothered by others peoples actions, why do I even care? I don't know... If I see anyone in pain I feel bad for them and sometimes sense the pain myself, seeing people happy automatically makes me smile, seeing people angry makes me incredibly angry, you probably notice this over years when people argue with me, I always start off nice and calm, then eventually someone swears or insults me, then I lose control...

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