Forums > dS
Smile before bedtime :)
TheKomodo:
Smile before bedtime.............................................
LITTLE JOHNNY - ICE CREAM
“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”
TheKomodo:
Since I stayed up extra late tonight after not being able to sleep getting up and playing poker for like 3 hours or something, here's an extra one!
Smile before bedtime.............................................
BULLETS
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the f**k had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
TheKomodo:
Smile before bedtime(one you can share with all the family).............................................................
SHARING AN ORDER
There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fries, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered.
The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.
The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing.
He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.
She said, "Well, it's his turn to use the teeth."
TheKomodo:
Here are the last days I missed :)
Smile before bedtime......................................
THE CANNIBALS EAT OUT
Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse. One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet." They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?" The other replies, "I'm having a ball!" Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
Smile before bedtime............................................
OSCAR PISTORIUS - IT HAD TO HAPPEN
Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine's Day he had to take her out.
If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had with only 2 blades.
His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up on Oscar Pistorius."
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder … footprints !
She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
Smile before bedtime............................................
SHOT TO THE HEART
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
TheKomodo:
Something to bring a smile on a dreich afternoon
An obese woman came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've have not eaten for two days.” She said to him, “I wish I had your willpower"
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a bus or train and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
I had this trivia competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version