The Ultimate Site of Worms Armageddon
Other Things => Off Topic => Topic started by: voltage on October 07, 2017, 07:18 AM
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Hello,
Some of you may know/remember me. I started playing worms online 2001 and I've had my active and inactive times like everyone I guess. Anyway, I want to tell you something about myself that I haven't told anyone in this community. At least I don't remember doing so.
So, today is the day I had decided to commit a suicide. Yet here I am typing this and I'm happy just to be alive. How did it come to this? Let me tell you.
I have been really introverted and shy all my life (even compared to most Finnish people). That has made things quite hard for me but it didn't stop me doing things. I went to school, had hobbies and some friends. Later I went to army, started studying mechanical engineering and working. Pretty much normal life.
At some point around 2010 things started to go wrong. It started with something what I soon realized to be panic attacks. I was a little worried but thought it's nothing too serious as it didn't happen very often. During the same year I moved to Germany for exchange studies. It was quite hard time for me as I couldn't sleep properly anymore and started to feel depressed. I got a little more worried but still thought I could handle it.
Next year I moved back to Finland and it was a relief to be back in my home country. That feeling of relief didn't last long. My sleeping problems became more serious and the depression got deeper. I had a job at the time for a few months and somehow managed to do it. After my contract ended and I had one more year left of studies, I felt so bad I knew I couldn't handle it anymore. I told my parents about my situation and my dad took me to a doctor after a really bad panic attack.
The doctor didn't show much interest but prescribed benzodiazepines for anxiety. They helped me a little. At least I wasn't so anxious and terrified anymore. But the depression and other stuff didn't go away so I tried to seek more help. That's when I was diagnosed with psychotic depression and was prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotic medicine. I was a little hesitant but at the same time so desperate I decided to start taking them. After a while I started to feel better. Little did I know the worst was yet to come.
Although I could function somehow again and didn't feel so unreal anymore, the depression and some irrational fears didn't completely go away. I had no ability to concentrate on anything anymore. I couldn't study or work. Even if I had some better periods I didn't get many things done. Slowly I started to feel a little better but I didn't have any motivation to do anything. I felt almost nothing most of the time. I was wondering why I didn't get anything done even though I didn't feel so depressed anymore and the psychotic symptoms were gone.
Slowly I started to think maybe it's because of the drugs. I said to my doctor that I wanted to stop taking medication. He didn't recommend doing that yet and so I kept taking them for a while. Then I got completely fed up and decided to try to stop. I had no idea how it was supposed to be done so I lowered the doses way too quickly. That resulted in a condition that in my opinion was worse than before starting taking these pills. I ended up in a mental hospital and was basically forced to start the medication again.
I didn't realize at the time that those were withdrawal symptoms. I thought my original illness came back because I stopped taking those pills. So time went by and I thought, well it could be worse. At least I can do some everyday routines.
After a while I asked again about stopping the medication and this time the doctor gave me instructions how to do it. I lowered the doses the way he told me to. For a while everything was pretty good. I started to get my feelings back but then things got worse again. Major depression again. I had no idea what to do but start taking antidepressants again.
So I was on drugs again and started to feel a little better eventually. But then something happened once again. I started feeling nauseos and I threw up everyday. I guess that was the way of my body telling that this is enough. After a while I felt that the side effects were inbearable. So even though I had really bad experiences from trying to stop taking those drugs I decided to try again. That was a few weeks ago. These last few weeks have been the hardest time of my life. After six years of medication the withdrawal symptoms are really bad. At least for me. My thinking got so distorted that I saw no other choice but to kill myself. I've had suicidal thoughts since 2011 but now they were really intrusive. For some reason I had decided to do it on this saturday. Everything was planned. I'm not entirely sure what happened but I found this site http://survivingantidepressants.org/ I noticed some people had even longer periods of medication and worse withdrawal symptoms. Still they survived. Maybe that gave me some hope.
Why am I telling all this? I'm quite sure I am not alone with these experiences in this community. Maybe someone is really struggling right now and I could give some hope by sharing this. I am by no means recovered yet but I have hope again and I know I can do this.
I wish I could write better but my ability to concentrate isn't that good at the moment and I'm exhausted already after typing this. Maybe I'll add some details later and things that have helped me. Although writing this somehow feels good, at the same time I'm terrified what you people think about me after this. But I have lived most of my life fearing what others think and it's time for me to get rid of that kind of thinking.
It's already quite a long post but if you read all of that, cool. Even cooler if this in anyway helps someone. Remember, your life matters and there is always hope!
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Sharing with others helps indeed. I have mo motivation to do stuff too, i quit my job to take proper rest hoping it will help.
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Man, really sorry you've had to experience depression/withdrawal on that level Voltage. You will get through this!
I'd never think worse of someone who's experienced these things, on the contrary it takes guts to relate something that personal and to try and get through it. And I'm glad suicidal thoughts are out of your head. Your life definitely matters.
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It explains why you were so inactive now. Honestly, I also have depression, so good thing I'm not the only one suffering here... do you remember what is the origin of all of this?
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Depression is a terrible thing to go through, partly cause people around you don't understand how f@#!ed up it is :( Your mind can play such tricks that even the biggest compliments can be experienced as insults.
Sometimes, people need a switch to different antidepressants, even from the same group, and they feel better.
It's tricky stuff, though. It can take up to 4 weeks to get the result you need and there's the issue that people with depression can have suicidal thoughts, but are too paralyzed by their depression to do anything. But the motivation to do anything gets better before the suicidal thoughts go away :s
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voltage, I'd like to introduce you to the tool I've used for the past year to help with my emotions. Google EFT, or FasterEFT (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOVY8R3PIBUfd5caS3lnMeQ), it will help if you use it, I guarantee it. Take small steps, though, don't rush things, take off your medication slowly aswell.
I respect you for you courage by writing your story. Inspired by you, I decided to tell you my story aswell. Don't you mind?
I wouldn't write this under any circumstance, but why not? 95% of people are "mentally ill" to some degree, period. They just don't talk about it. All the Facebook pages with seamlessly happy life are all too often just a facade that people build for themselves. It's time to get back freedom we all had.
I can relate to the shyness part, namely the dreaded social anxiety. As I recall, till the age of 7 I was a relatively normal kid. I don't know exactly what happened to me, but slowly I started to develop the toxic feelings of shame that lead to anxiety eventually. I can't leave my house voluntarily. Yes, I go to university by myself, go to the doctors and some other things, but most social actions require going through anxiety, especially if something is unfamiliar and new. I can't even go to the grocery store for God's sake.
My porn addiction has numbed my emotions, both good and bad. Starting at age 13, I started viewing erotic materials over the Internet. I think that's one of the contributing reasons for why I haven't overcome social anxiety, and I missed on many social things. It messed up my dopamine receptors, hence the depression.
Well, nothing really to talk about because I don't really have much to talk about. Or perhaps I forgot all wonderful things that happened to me in the past because the good stuff is tightly linked to bad stuff. I don't want to feel bad. Is subconscious mind trying to protect me? Who knows.
But as you can see, I have come to the point where I can almost freely chat online. This community helped me a lot, even though people don't realize that, thanks guys.
Breaking free from porn addiction wasn't easy, I tell you. I still have cravings and slip ups, but that's nothing compared to 8+ years of constant release and bonding with the screen. I literally starting to experience feelings of connection with other people for the first time in my life. If you have this problem, consider this too. At least try to replace it with something else. It can take you up to a year to fully recover depending on your level of addiction, if you have one.
We do something correctly internally to overselves to feel bad. How do we do it? If you know the answer, it's easier to let go of it.
Peace dude.
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Isnt this the same topic from last time? The exact same outcome. Worms brings us all together. All the cultures and even the analseekers. May god be with you voltage Worms will bring you back to life and health it always does.
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Very touching stories, I feel both of you...
I'll write my story when I have a few hours free and feel like writing, it's really mentally challenging going through it all again and right now i'm so drained I just want to chill, no music, no games, just sit and relax...
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hey volt, loved playing ya back in the days, hope you come back to worms mate 8)
sad to see you go through all this shite
:-*
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ae Voltage, nice to know everything is much better now ae!!!
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The only reason I can still be bothered to be alive thanks to the love and support i've had from my Mum, and a few friends in my life, if I didn't believe suicide was the cowards way out, if I didn't think it was selfish, i'd already have killed myself, you can walk into a childrens cancer ward, even they know they are terminal, and they still run around laughing! They still hang on and fight till the end!
They haven't even lived a life, they will never felt the warmth and love of a partners body entwined with yours, they will never know what it feels like to chase a career, to have their own children...
That's just one example, so I just can't sit there and give up...
Can't remember if it was during the same time or 1-2 years later, but one day when I was out collecting chestnuts from what we called the chestnut farm, usually I go with friends but I was there alone that day, and an older boy about 17 or 18 on a paper round took me and raped me, the f@#!ing sick thing is he gave me £5 "not to tell anyone", and I didn't until I was about 18 or something when I finally told my parents, I could have him killed, but it wouldn't change what happened or even help me, naturally my parents blessed my life with amazing holidays and family parties, and my Dad got me hooked on being competitive and playing games and learning about nature etc...
I realized after what happened at the chestnut farm, people are natural liars, they do anything to get what they want, and they will use and abuse people in order to do that, for years I quietly followed, spied, and watched people from a distance, why do people do the things they do?
This is why I never EVER give up ANY f@#!ing arguement or fight unless there is 100% undeniable and unequivocal evidence, I do not take ANYONES word unless i've known them and trusted them for years. I don't care if it makes someone upset, that's their problem, if you want to convince me, you have to do it properly.
That added to my anger I probably get from my father, it's led to some very dire situations in life for me, i've been held up at knifepoint, i've saw people murdered in front of my own eyes, i've seen some of the most horrible things a person has to see...
But, i've also seen people sacrifice everything they have, to protect the ones they love, I constantly see loving caring gestures between people, today I saw a guy climb a wall to pick a few leafs from a tree for a girl, and the smile on her face, was beautiful...
I constantly swing from happy to sad, my emotions feel like they are more intense than most peoples, I can get very angry very fast, and also very happy very fast, and I make a huge deal out of things other people don't care, cuz I know true pain and true happiness together...
WA and Music literally saved my life... I've opened up to some people on this game who know things about me nobody else knows, things about my father and some people he knows, things about past relationships, i've never ever been part of a gaming community with people as human as this one, a lot of people can piss me off here, but the f@#!ing truth is, when one of us is hurting, really hurting, you are always there to help, i'll never ever be thankful enough *as a tear rolls down my cheek...*
So when I woke up 2-3 months ago, and the person I loved more than anyone i've ever met, who I shared all this with and more, was gone, no goodbye, no letter, it crushed me...
I am sorry, when I appear to be angry at you guys, i'm usually not, I just can't ever be fooled again...
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If you need help, I know how to change memories. Well, the link I provided above is basically all you need to know.
You don't need to hold on to old stuff and believe everything inside your head. I can understand what you're going through, but please, choose to feel those happy thoughts and memories instead, while flipping the bad stuff into good stuff. The problem may arise from the fear of "who will I be if I change this memory" type of resistance. I can already hear from you (even subconsciously):
- "If I change this memory to something positive, then I fear that people will lie to me and deceive me again"
- "Yeah but I lived with that all my life and I don't think I can change it no matter what"
Sympathizing is all good and soothing, but does it really change the problem? I don't think so. Lets take control and stop hiding and running from our emotions. Addiction that is all around is an attempt to deal with it all, because we don't know the better way.
While I don't always do what I preach, but that sounds logical at least, isn't it?
Or we can talk about bad stuff to create more bad stuff :-X
It is necessary to talk about bad stuff, but it's also important to being able to let go the bad stuff afterwards.
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Xrayez, the memories don't bother me... In fact those events helped me to become the intelligent, strong, competitive person I am today...
But the downside to the intelligence is knowing how humans act, that bothers me, it's constantly being betrayed in life cuz people are selfish and greedy, it's being able to predict bad situations unfolding accurately and not being able to do anything about it, being blindsided by love and NOT seeing it coming...
Today, right now, I just got back from LIDL, doing my shopping, as I walked from the checkout I saw 2 little boys like 7 years old or something, 1 of them was hiding, he jumped out on his father and the 2 kids, myself, and few others were laughing, the father got so angry and started yelling at his child calling him silly etc, imo that father doesn't even deserve those children, f**king taking away their innocence, creativity and humour...
I really felt like grabbing him by the throat and shouting so loud he'd literally piss himself... But ofc I didn't...
I don't really wanna die cuz I hate myself, it's cuz I hate the f**king world I live in...
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Thank you for supportive comments! Today is the first day I don't completely feel like shit. Maybe I will be able to visit a friend of mine today :) Hopefully it just keeps getting better from now on.
I am not completely against psychiatric medication but I want to warn people that those drugs are not harmless. Now that I'm starting to get my emotions back again, I feel anger because the doctors didn't inform me of that. Furthermore, the doctors don't seem to know shit about how to get safely off those drugs. "That's such a small dose. You won't get any withdrawal symptoms if you stop now". That's what I was told and it almost cost my life. I wish I knew survivingantidepressants.org earlier. Despite the name of the site, it's not only about antidepressants but benzos and antipsychotics also.
As I said, I'm not completely againt meds. If you're on medication and it helps, good for you. For me the cons outweighed the pros. It also seems that most people taking these drugs don't really get better after all, me being one of them. For example my sister had depression and eating disorder but she got better without medication and she's been fine for many years now being able to study, work and live life. I'm also worried about the long-term effects of the drugs on the brain. I can only hope that I haven't got any serious permanent changes on my brain.
If you don't believe me and are interested in the subject, do some research and make your own conclusions about psychiatric drugs. Another thing that makes me angry is that alcoholics and users of illegal drugs get support (not that they shouldn't) but people dependent on prescription drugs are left to fight on their own. At least I was.
There are so many other things I would like to say but I need to save my energy. Thinking what and how I should write really makes me tired. But I'll probably get back to this topic later again.
Isnt this the same topic from last time? The exact same outcome. Worms brings us all together. All the cultures and even the analseekers. May god be with you voltage Worms will bring you back to life and health it always does.
Huh? I haven't started a topic like this before. Maybe someone else has but I haven't taken part in that.
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I totally understand the anxiety, especially when you can't go to the shop, I never answer my door unless I know it's someone I know, ignore my phone if it's not a number I have saved or an expected call.
I never had problems with being sick or anything though thankfully.
My biggest physical problem I guess would be mild insomnia from time to time, I stay away for days at a time cuz my brain just doesn't shut off, i'm either really excited about stuff or really anxious paranoid and upset, as I get older this seems to be getting better as I get tired faster now, i've been on sleep medication before, it helped the 1st few times but then I guess my body got used to it fast, not sure if that has anything to do with my history with cannabis.
I am extremely empathic and get too bothered by others peoples actions, why do I even care? I don't know... If I see anyone in pain I feel bad for them and sometimes sense the pain myself, seeing people happy automatically makes me smile, seeing people angry makes me incredibly angry, you probably notice this over years when people argue with me, I always start off nice and calm, then eventually someone swears or insults me, then I lose control...
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Xrayez, the memories don't bother me... In fact those events helped me to become the intelligent, strong, competitive person I am today...
But the downside to the intelligence is knowing how humans act, that bothers me, it's constantly being betrayed in life cuz people are selfish and greedy, it's being able to predict bad situations unfolding accurately and not being able to do anything about it, being blindsided by love and NOT seeing it coming...
Today, right now, I just got back from LIDL, doing my shopping, as I walked from the checkout I saw 2 little boys like 7 years old or something, 1 of them was hiding, he jumped out on his father and the 2 kids, myself, and few others were laughing, the father got so angry and started yelling at his child calling him silly etc, imo that father doesn't even deserve those children, f**king taking away their innocence, creativity and humour...
I really felt like grabbing him by the throat and shouting so loud he'd literally piss himself... But ofc I didn't...
I don't really wanna die cuz I hate myself, it's cuz I hate the f**king world I live in...
intereresting story, but why the f did you go to lidl
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Hi voltage, thanks for share ur story, they say after the rain there will be sun and I hope it will happen for You,Komo and all other ppl here living in the darkness.
I am kinda in depression too from long time, but I wouldnt really call it depression, my life is just dark and lonely, maybe thats the path I choosed somewhere there long time ago coz I definatelly was not raped or any of this dirty things did not happen to me. Yes, I had many bad experiences which I dont really want to share at public, I just can say that betrayals, problems with law, fake friends, fake loves, bad lucks (and I am not talking about worms here :D )and all that other shit are well known in my life. Still the saddest time for me was after breaking up with my gf after 3 years of great time, I really loved her and was kinda sure she will be my wife and really nothing indicate that smt can go wrong, but in the f@#!ing new year she just left without 1 word and became totall stranger for me. Just like someone touched her with magic wand. Couldnt even know the reason why, nothing..
So I decided to follow her, I followed her in job, in the car, in her free time, I was like a little spy coz i f@#!ing couldnt understand how could lovely girl which so many times cried and blocked the door when I was about to go home and she beg me to stay a little longer .. now became total stranger, weird. But yes, after some days of spying I saw her with another guy who spent night in her house, so all was clean for me, and then when I wanted to talk with her she just called police on me.. Really all girls are whores?
I was totally f@#!ed up, I felt like all I want is gone now, sorrow is all I have.. But it is already 10 months and I must say that time helps, it still hurts and I dont think I want be in relationship again, coz it is really easier to live alone than feel the time it is over.
This f@#!ing 2017 year started very bad for me, first girlfriend, then I lost like 40k in the poker and at bookmakers, like whole moneys I had, I even quit job as I am ski instructor in winter time but I really couldnt handle it, couldnt talk to ppl, make fake smiles with them, did not enjoy anything.
I dont take any pills, drugs or any other chemical shit, maybe they are good and help for start, but then it is even worse. And sorry Xrayez but I dont believe in this "tapping" shit and in all that crap like "think positive , then it will be 100% good", yeah sure.. Tell it for 5 years dying kids with cancer, yes they sure die coz they did not think positive.. TOTAL CRAP imo
Music helps a lot for me, games, movies travelling,sport, kinda everything what YOu enjoy and make You feel better, if u dont like ur job - then quit it, do smt for urself and dont care about others opinions
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Bullshit you a sexlover we talked about it a lot during our wonderful matches you enjoyed the sexual fantasies big time
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Let ppl talk, Godmax. This is not a thread for you.
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intereresting story, but why the f did you go to lidl
(http://img.mysupermarket.co.uk/Live/Products_300/51/455651.jpg?v=20170514120822)
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i f@#!ing couldnt understand how could lovely girl which so many times cried and blocked the door when I was about to go home and she beg me to stay a little longer .. now became total stranger, weird
This is EXACTLY part of what i'm going through right now too.
We cried together so much cuz we were so happy we found each other, and couldn't believe how amazing it felt when we were together, she literally clung onto me whenever i'd try to leave, she told me i'm the only person who ever truly understood her, even with all her problems, how I tore down all her barriers and made her feel safe and amazing again, how she wanted to marry me and have kids and a little cottage and a little collie dog, never before would I sit up literally for 5-6 hours just chatting and laughing like crazy, just lying cuddling for hours and hours every single second my heart burning with warmth and complete satisfaction...
I won't get into to much detail because not nice to talk about another persons personal life without permission, but 1 moment changed everything, and for few months so many other problems in her life took control and I don't know, maybe she was so stressed and upset and scared she couldn't hold it together with me, then 1 day I woke up she was gone, no letter, no goodbye, just gone, she blocked my number, my emails, everything, finally found out she's back in Wales living with her Dad, and still won't even talk to me.
I'll never be happy again, ever...
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Let ppl talk, Godmax. This is not a thread for you.
When Kins is posting then sure it is
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And sorry Xrayez but I dont believe in this "tapping" shit and in all that crap like "think positive , then it will be 100% good", yeah sure.. Tell it for 5 years dying kids with cancer, yes they sure die coz they did not think positive.. TOTAL CRAP imo
Music helps a lot for me, games, movies travelling,sport, kinda everything what YOu enjoy and make You feel better, if u dont like ur job - then quit it, do smt for urself and dont care about others opinions
This was exactly my thinking until I actually started to try this on myself.
Games, movies, sport are good coping skills in this regard, but I think it would be better to become free internally.
Make this little experiment:
- Sit down, all by yourself, no distractions. Don't even move. Relax.
- Now try make yourself feel good. Find something internally that would make you feel happy at the moment.
- Now do the opposite. Make yourself feel bad internally.
What is your result? Do you find that making yourself feel bad is easier than feel good?
No wonder why we choose something external to feel better. Is this really freedom?
And about "positive thinking" part: do you know why you tend to reject it? Because internally you go through this kind of process:
- Yeah I like this, but ...
- Yeah sure, but what if ...
Negative overrides the positive. You can actually screw up your good memory that way, consciously or subconsciously.
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I don't see much good in the positivity-business either. I can only see it as something to get people's hopes up before reality kicks them in the face once again.. Positive feelings must come from within, if its not rooted there its just superficial, forced happiness.. a balloon waiting to be popped.
In that respect you are right though rayez, positive feelings are much more valuable than negative ones.. It's just that when you spread that message people will naturally resist it, because they feel that it doesn't acknowledge the negativity they experience.. Basically you are one step ahead :-[
Focus should be IMO on tackling negative feelings, rather than inciting positive ones.
We all experience shitty things in life, the difference between happy and unhappy people mostly lies in the way they deal with the shit.
Basically, when something happens it's:
Event -> Reflection upon event -> emotion -> response to event (behaviour)
The event is the same for everyone, but everything that follows after is different.. and under your own control.
Example:
Event: a girl calls you an ugly f@#!tard
How a 'shy' person typically reacts: reflection (aff, why does this happen to me? I know i'm ugly but c'mon!) -> emotion (sad, self-hatred, angry) -> behavioral response (*bows head* and heads home for some emo-cutting :-[)
How a 'happy' person likely reacts: reflection (what the f* is that bitch's problem? I'm not the most handsome in the world, but there are chicks who like me, so that can't be it. She probably has some issues that makes her act like a skank) -> emotion (*meh*) -> behavioral response (walk on, ignore the whole thing, go home and enjoy some music)
Basically, when you realize how this works you also realize that 95% of bad emotions you feel are unnecessary, unproductive, harmful bullshit that serve absolutely no purpose.
And to the young ppl here I can only say.. it gets better when you get older. At some point you stop giving a shit about other people's opinion and you do just as you please, because yeah, what's left to prove? It's a madhouse anyway.
Set one or two goals in life, that are short term and humble. If it blows up in your face, you simply start over, or with a new goal.
And everything else:
(http://31.media.tumblr.com/c14065c3f0d033a3be61b7eb3ec03cea/tumblr_mzclgfPQtC1r08126o5_250.gif)
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I
Basically, when you realize how this works you also realize that 95% of bad emotions you feel are unnecessary, unproductive, harmful bullshit that serve absolutely no purpose.
Nah, I disagree, you are talking about superficial things, vanity, materialism, etc...
I'm talking about betrayal, bullying, force, pain, real things that cannot be avoided by how you perceive your self-image or how others do.
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I'm talking about betrayal, bullying, force, pain, real things that cannot be avoided by how you perceive your self-image or how others do.
Of these only 'pain' is an emotion.
It's not bad or unjustified or whatever if you feel 'pain', it's more than human to feel pain, cause life is suffering and pain is almost a given of the human condition.
But are you doing yourself a favour when you let the pain influence decisions that you make?
For example, if you had a bad break up with a girl you absolutely love.. and in order to avoid the same pain you choose not to engage in new relationships ever again.. then, one must ask, are you doing yourself a favour by letting the pain take this decision for you?
I mean, I would respect the decision if it was made 'logically'.. if you had truly come to the conclusion that relationships, by principle, are not worth it cause they only bring harm to those involved. But IMO that one is hard to uphold. There are many types of relationships, even unhappy relationships sometimes last and have their own merits. Rather than discarding the entire idea of being in a relationship... wouldn't it make more sense to take the lessons you have learned from the pain, from the past relationship and use it to guard yourself against new pain in a new relationship, that also gives a fair share of happiness?
The world is full of people who have divorced or been in a painful break up. They all carry their own pain with them. AFAIK that doesn't disqualify them from a future positive relationship. One might even say that as they grow older, and experience more and more good things and bad things in the field of love, they grow more wise and know better what to expect in a relationship and how to make it so that both parties CAN enjoy it?
It's hard to get it right the first time. And it never hurts as much.
This is what I mean when I say that emotions tend to go over the top and become self-destructive. The pain in this case can help you set boundaries in your next relationship, or even enable you to understand and support others who have gone through the same thing. Or, as cruel as it sounds, help you 'grow' in life..
Mental growth is built on pain, on suffering. Ask Jesus :-[
No person is as uninteresting and annoying as a person who hasn't experienced hardship in his life. People relate not with success, but with pain and suffering.
Point is, while things like pain, anger, sadness, etc. are all very real emotions, you always have to keep asking yourself whether they are not blocking you from making decisions that, logically, are better for your own well-being.
With fear for example. If you have a fear of heights it sometimes does its work just fine (climbing a really unstable, shoddy ladder is a bad idea, for ANYONE), while at other times its only blocking you (when for example you get the chance to climb a church tower and enjoy the view from up there, it's a nice experience, and the actual danger level is virtually 0).
A lot of people would act on the fear and skip both the ladder and the church tower experience. Others, who foolishly want to prove themselves, would neglect the fear and do both, possibly hurting themselves falling off the ladder or leaning just too far from the church tower's balcony :D Logically ofcourse the best thing to do is skip the ladder, while still doing that tower trip (minding your step), even if it makes you feel SUPERSCARED.
Emotions should always be the bitch of the truth ;D
But unfortunately almost everyone experiences them as a force, that not put into words, remains vague, powerful and overwhelming. But when you put them on paper you see its weaknesses, its lack of 'truthfullness' and how, even if they make sense, are not helpful in life, and as such might just as well get pwned.
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From what i've saw in life, at least in this country, most people settle for less than they want, I don't, hopefully i'm wrong, of course, but knowing what I know, I strongly believe i'll never find a girl with all those specific qualities I love about a person ever again, it took me 31 years to find her, it's not like I haven't been out there and tried, i've dated hundreds of women, I know what I want from a relationship.
I won't ever be with someone for financial stability, or just to have kids, or just to look good.
The pain isn't making the decision for me, i'm thinking clearly and logically about my whole life and what I want, the only way i'll ever be happy like that again is if what I want in life will change.
This isn't me just going "Oooooo the pain is unbearable! I can't live without her!", it's me realizing from trial and error, what the perfect women for me is, and I don't think it exists, and if we can't have the perfect partner, wtf is the point?
There is no way i'll be in a relationship with someone who doesn't give/do what I want, and I wouldn't expect anyone to want to be with me if I don't do/give them what they want, it has to be mutual, perfectly, everything, political views, scientific interest, musical interests, sexual apetite, ambition, intelligence, passion, caring, hardworking, loyal, open-minded, spontaneous, animals, nature, space, the universe, everything... etc etc etc...
Most people are happy enough to have even a few of those, i'm not, probably what I want doesn't exist, but i'll die searching for it, I hope I find it, just don't think I will, there are too many variables in the human population/psyche...
I swear, wish I was born dumb as f**k, with no talent, no ambition, simple minded and simply pleased, nothing to worry about... To other people it's just crazy talk, but I really do know too much...
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And the I am very smart award goes to...
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When I say know too much, I mean about violence, pain suffering and can't stop worrrying about it, so maybe should just say wish I never knew about that stuff.
One way to help would be to stop caring about a lot of things but how can you do that without feeling selfish and nasty...