The only reason I can still be bothered to be alive thanks to the love and support i've had from my Mum, and a few friends in my life, if I didn't believe suicide was the cowards way out, if I didn't think it was selfish, i'd already have killed myself, you can walk into a childrens cancer ward, even they know they are terminal, and they still run around laughing! They still hang on and fight till the end!
They haven't even lived a life, they will never felt the warmth and love of a partners body entwined with yours, they will never know what it feels like to chase a career, to have their own children...
That's just one example, so I just can't sit there and give up...
Can't remember if it was during the same time or 1-2 years later, but one day when I was out collecting chestnuts from what we called the chestnut farm, usually I go with friends but I was there alone that day, and an older boy about 17 or 18 on a paper round took me and raped me, the f@#!ing sick thing is he gave me £5 "not to tell anyone", and I didn't until I was about 18 or something when I finally told my parents, I could have him killed, but it wouldn't change what happened or even help me, naturally my parents blessed my life with amazing holidays and family parties, and my Dad got me hooked on being competitive and playing games and learning about nature etc...
I realized after what happened at the chestnut farm, people are natural liars, they do anything to get what they want, and they will use and abuse people in order to do that, for years I quietly followed, spied, and watched people from a distance, why do people do the things they do?
This is why I never EVER give up ANY f@#!ing arguement or fight unless there is 100% undeniable and unequivocal evidence, I do not take ANYONES word unless i've known them and trusted them for years. I don't care if it makes someone upset, that's their problem, if you want to convince me, you have to do it properly.
That added to my anger I probably get from my father, it's led to some very dire situations in life for me, i've been held up at knifepoint, i've saw people murdered in front of my own eyes, i've seen some of the most horrible things a person has to see...
But, i've also seen people sacrifice everything they have, to protect the ones they love, I constantly see loving caring gestures between people, today I saw a guy climb a wall to pick a few leafs from a tree for a girl, and the smile on her face, was beautiful...
I constantly swing from happy to sad, my emotions feel like they are more intense than most peoples, I can get very angry very fast, and also very happy very fast, and I make a huge deal out of things other people don't care, cuz I know true pain and true happiness together...
WA and Music literally saved my life... I've opened up to some people on this game who know things about me nobody else knows, things about my father and some people he knows, things about past relationships, i've never ever been part of a gaming community with people as human as this one, a lot of people can piss me off here, but the f@#!ing truth is, when one of us is hurting, really hurting, you are always there to help, i'll never ever be thankful enough *as a tear rolls down my cheek...*
So when I woke up 2-3 months ago, and the person I loved more than anyone i've ever met, who I shared all this with and more, was gone, no goodbye, no letter, it crushed me...
I am sorry, when I appear to be angry at you guys, i'm usually not, I just can't ever be fooled again...